It was not until I started generating ideas for a novel series that I realized what kind of relationship I wanted to have.  It’s funny how when you really let yourself go and write, you can understand yourself better.  You realize who you are based on what you’re writing about and what kind of characters you create.  It was not until a few years later that I realized I was creating a relationship in my head that was nearly identical to the one I wanted to have in real life.  

I don’t want any unrealistic, phenomenal, sacrifice everything for that one person kind of romance.  I will not belong to anyone, and no one will belong to me.  I don’t want a relationship where it’s essential to post every progress and conflict on Facebook.  I don’t need to announce my feelings for someone to the world, nor does anyone need to be involved.  I’m not looking for months and years of complications before we can fall in love, because it shouldn’t be difficult for two people to simply connect.

You know what I want?  I want to meet someone when I least expect it.  I want us to introduce ourselves to each other.  Maybe we’ll meet in a classroom.  Maybe we’ll run into each other in public.  Maybe I’ve already met this person.  We’ll get to know each other, tease each other, and become friends that genuinely like each other.  We’ll hang out, not “date”, but hang out.  What do I like to do?  Everything.  We can go hang out at the park and run around with our shoes off and get dirty.  We can go eat at some greasy, fast food joint and steal fries from each other.  We can go watch some movie and I’ll complain about how crappy the storyline was.  We’ll do homework together at some coffee shop where we’ll swap music interests and talk about things that are not really important, except they will be important to me, because anyone that is truly my friend is someone I genuinely care about.  We’ll play video games, drive around at night for no particular reason, go out downtown and get drunk - or not, if you’re not into that kind of thing.  It doesn’t matter.

And then we’ll get closer.  We’ll become comfortable with each other, and hopefully open up to one another about the personal things in our lives.  I’ll talk about what it’s like to be an individual with hearing loss, my frustrating relationship with my father, and the difficulties I have with self-esteem and dealing with people in public.  You’ll tell me what you think your flaws are and I’ll simply deny there is anything wrong with you at all, because we’re all struggling.  And I truly hope you’re not the kind of person who forgets what I say or dismisses my feelings.  I hope you’ll care, I hope you’ll be there and shock me that another human being is actually capable of the level of compassion I exhibit that often gets taken for granted.

And though I probably already knew it, I’ll realize that I’m falling for you, and hope that you feel the same.  And it will just happen, gradually and inevitably.  A bond has formed between the two of us without us even realizing it, and hopefully we’ll come to the conclusion that we’re made for each other, that we just click and it works.  You challenge me.  You push me to be a better person.  You’re different from me, which makes things interesting.  You know things I have no clue about, and I can show you how to paint and cook and dance and write like a pro.  And happiness will no longer seem like something a person only reads about in books or sees in movies.  It will be real.  And all of my years of resentment and cynicism will seem so utterly strange.  I won’t recognize the person that I am today, and I’ll gladly close that door and walk through the new one with you by my side.  And nothing has to change between us.  We’re still friends.  We argue, laugh, tease each other, and play like children.  We’re not in any hurry to rush to an altar and get hitched.

That’s the kind of relationship I want.  I want to fall in love with my best friend.

Arthur C. McWilliams IV

The need for physical intimacy and romantic connection is a need that confirms our similarity to one another as human beings.  No one can live in total isolation.  Everyone needs to be touched, loved, desired, appreciated, admired, etc.  And we also need to touch others, love others, desire others, appreciate them, admire them, etc.  It’s the way the world is socially wired, and we could even get philosophical and argue that it’s the way the universe is spiritually kept intact, assuming nothing is purely a random composition of atomic matter. 

Let’s admit that we live in an era where love seems to be the only thing on our minds.  We are bombarded with exaggerated and glamorous notions of love and romance in movies, TV shows, books, etc.  We constantly reblog sappy pictures with a slightly defeatist/desperate tone yearning for love.  We’re always talking about romance, dreaming about sex, and wanting to tell someone how we feel.  IT’S EVERYWHERE, AND THERE IS NO ESCAPING IT.  And I am not talking about love in a sense of loving others because we are all equal.  I am not talking about love in the sense that we love our family and friends, that we love our phones and Nutella and the way it feels when you have an orgasm.  I am talking about flying-over-the-moon-head-over-heels-can’t-get-my-mind-off-of-you-just-want-to-kiss-you-and-hold-you-I’ll-love-you-forever-we-could-be-perfect-together-you-have-no-idea-how-much-I-love-you-all-I-want-is-you-Edward-and-Bella-forever kind of love.  You know exactly what I mean.  And I don’t care how much you may hate ‘Twilight’, you’re just as affected as the rest of us by the mind boggling contemporary notion of romance that’s been a part of our culture since Shakespeare wrote ‘Romeo & Juliet’.

I get it.  But you know what I don’t get?  When the desire for love becomes greater than the individual will to live.  Let me explain - you can spend every waking moment of your life fantasizing, crying yourself to sleep over how lonely you are, stalking your crush from a distance, etc, to the point that you forget all the other things in your life.  You forget your hobbies.  You forget your friends.  You forget your family.  You forget about school, your job, your responsibilities, the things that make you happy that have nothing to do with laying in the sun holding hands.  Love is a strong force in our world, but obsession is even stronger.  You can literally destroy yourself devoting every 11:11 to making a wish that you’ll fall in love.  You can go crazy when the idea of two people together is the only idea that exists in your head.  Where is your individuality?  Where is your will to love?  Where is the you that makes you YOU? 

Stop worrying so goddamn much about it.  Stop building these ridiculous notions in your head that will only leave you dissatisfied once you actually acquire them.  Stop basing your worth on whether or not you have a guy or a girl (or anything in between) on your arm.  No one in this world determines your worth.  Go run every day because you want to make yourself look good for you, not anyone else.  Write, draw, paint, work out, cook, fix stuff, play with animals because that’s what you want to do, not because you hope to impress someone.  Be content with you and build upon your singularity.  And if you attract someone, then so be it, but don’t be so ready to throw away your individuality for the sake of duality.  Choose life.

Arthur C. McWilliams IV

Here is the deal, I have been screwed over way too many times emotionally because other people are stupid.  Yes, I said it, other people are stupid.  Not me, them.  They and their insecurities, their inabilities to commit, and their lack of intelligence and compassion for others is what has led to the downfall of many friendships or the failure of possible romantic interests being explored.  I am pretty much at the point where I do not care anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I still want someone to hold, kiss, have lusty, passionate sex with, and engage with on a deep, intellectual level as well as gain emotional security/stability.  But the whole head-over-heels-butterflies-in-my-stomach-can’t-get-you-out-of-my-head thing is such a thing of the past.  I no longer care for it.  I mean it’s bad enough that last night I get a random text from someone proclaiming their depression because of their love for me, and in my head I’m going, “Holy shit, someone is actually in love with me!”  The whole thing turned out to be a case of a wrong number and dumb ass Verizon or Cricket or whoever the hell this person’s phone service is getting their wires crossed.  For all I know, some guy in New Mexico is putting a gun to his head because the girl he sent that text to hasn’t replied to him, which he’ll interpret as her way of saying she’s not interested, and thus his life is concluded in a violent death that’ll inspire many to write romance novels about love obsessed teens and their inability to cope when someone does not love them back. 

Hell, now I have to feel guilty for receiving a text meant for someone else.  Great. 

But, no, in all seriousness though, I’m getting mixed signals from people lately.  Look, if I turn you on or you’re interested in me, that’s great, but I’m not going to chase you or play games.  I’m not going to waste my nights in bed trying to analyze that look you gave me that went beyond two seconds.  I’m not going to assume that your friendly smile or pat on my shoulder means you’re fighting some powerful urge to jump my bones.  Nor am I going to pursue anyone who is not capable of admitting their feelings to themselves.  I am done with that crap.  If you like me, say it.  There’s no guarantee that I’ll like you back, but I’ll respect you for saying so.  I’ll be your friend because trust me, friendship from this guy is one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever receive while you’re plowing your way through this deathtrap of a world.  Drop the games.  Drop the hints.  Drop the seductive gaze and flirtatiousness - WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE. 

That is all.

Written by Arthur C. McWilliams IV

We are all unfortunate to meet someone who we come to believe is destined to be a major part of our lives.  We fall hard for him/her.  We talk to him/her every chance we get, trying to build a deeper friendship.  We wake up thinking about him/her, and go to bed fantasizing about having hot, lusty, passionate sex with him/her.  We convince ourselves in our hearts that we would do anything for this person, and maybe we really would.  Maybe it is possible that you are the type of person who can love unconditionally, who can sacrifice everything for the sake of love, no matter how crazy it may seem to those who have lost hope in love or cannot fathom the hopeless romantic you are.  And the thing is, it’s not that you’re just some idiot crushing on someone who does not know who you are; you’re an adult who knows what you want out of life.  You know what you want out of a relationship because this person you have fallen for has totally redefined your standards and preconceived notions about love.  You never thought you could fall for him/her, but it happened, and despite everything you once believed, somehow it works.  Somehow the heart made a connection you were not consciously aware of until you were already trapped and under a spell so deep, it brought a strange mixture of sheer frustration and infinite pleasure.  It felt like…like you can really fly, you know?  Like an endless well of….

Okay, lets cut the crap.  This person is a user.  An abuser.  A no-good flake.  S/he doesn’t appreciate you for who you really are.  S/he leads you on, allowing you to believe you’re the special someone who gets to see into his/her heart.  Not to mention the fact that when you look at it objectively, s/he is just a really shitty friend.  Boundaries are crossed, and feelings get hurt.  No, not hurt, damaged.  Damaged to the point where it seems like you have to carry around duct tape and a screwdriver just to keep your heart from falling apart and bleeding all over the ground.  Damaged to the point where you literally want to kill whoever s/he is flirting with, because how can someone let you in like that only to hurt you even more?  How can someone say they love you and that they care deeply about you and want to be a part of your life, when they hurt you, ignore you, lie to you, and make no effort to be a part of your life?

Is there a light bulb flashing above your head yet?

Two words, darling: FUCK YOU.  Once you realize the above, you can gradually begin to allow yourself to move on.  You can delete this person off of your Facebook.  You can delete his/her digits.  You can avoid social gathering where it is likely the two of you would get drunk and cross more boundaries.  You can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You know what?  I deserve better, and I know this because I have all this love to give.  I have the ability to love.  I have seen it.  I have felt it.  The problem is not me, it’s you.  You are sad and pathetic.  You are so lonely.  You are so…tired.” 

And then something amazing happens.  You start a new semester at school.  You get a new haircut.  You eat at a restaurant you have never been to.  You chat with new people.  You get excited about things that are taking you somewhere in life.  And when the person you once loved flashes through your mind, you don’t feel that twinge of pain you’ve grown accustomed to feeling.  You feel nothing, because the image is in black and white, and nothing but a distant past.