We are all unfortunate to meet someone who we come to believe is destined to be a major part of our lives.  We fall hard for him/her.  We talk to him/her every chance we get, trying to build a deeper friendship.  We wake up thinking about him/her, and go to bed fantasizing about having hot, lusty, passionate sex with him/her.  We convince ourselves in our hearts that we would do anything for this person, and maybe we really would.  Maybe it is possible that you are the type of person who can love unconditionally, who can sacrifice everything for the sake of love, no matter how crazy it may seem to those who have lost hope in love or cannot fathom the hopeless romantic you are.  And the thing is, it’s not that you’re just some idiot crushing on someone who does not know who you are; you’re an adult who knows what you want out of life.  You know what you want out of a relationship because this person you have fallen for has totally redefined your standards and preconceived notions about love.  You never thought you could fall for him/her, but it happened, and despite everything you once believed, somehow it works.  Somehow the heart made a connection you were not consciously aware of until you were already trapped and under a spell so deep, it brought a strange mixture of sheer frustration and infinite pleasure.  It felt like…like you can really fly, you know?  Like an endless well of….

Okay, lets cut the crap.  This person is a user.  An abuser.  A no-good flake.  S/he doesn’t appreciate you for who you really are.  S/he leads you on, allowing you to believe you’re the special someone who gets to see into his/her heart.  Not to mention the fact that when you look at it objectively, s/he is just a really shitty friend.  Boundaries are crossed, and feelings get hurt.  No, not hurt, damaged.  Damaged to the point where it seems like you have to carry around duct tape and a screwdriver just to keep your heart from falling apart and bleeding all over the ground.  Damaged to the point where you literally want to kill whoever s/he is flirting with, because how can someone let you in like that only to hurt you even more?  How can someone say they love you and that they care deeply about you and want to be a part of your life, when they hurt you, ignore you, lie to you, and make no effort to be a part of your life?

Is there a light bulb flashing above your head yet?

Two words, darling: FUCK YOU.  Once you realize the above, you can gradually begin to allow yourself to move on.  You can delete this person off of your Facebook.  You can delete his/her digits.  You can avoid social gathering where it is likely the two of you would get drunk and cross more boundaries.  You can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You know what?  I deserve better, and I know this because I have all this love to give.  I have the ability to love.  I have seen it.  I have felt it.  The problem is not me, it’s you.  You are sad and pathetic.  You are so lonely.  You are so…tired.” 

And then something amazing happens.  You start a new semester at school.  You get a new haircut.  You eat at a restaurant you have never been to.  You chat with new people.  You get excited about things that are taking you somewhere in life.  And when the person you once loved flashes through your mind, you don’t feel that twinge of pain you’ve grown accustomed to feeling.  You feel nothing, because the image is in black and white, and nothing but a distant past.

It’s 2012 in case anyone hadn’t heard yet.  No, seriously, who has not been anticipating the year the human race will supposedly cease to exist or encounter an apocalyptic disaster beyond belief?  Anyways, this isn’t about superstitions or unnecessary paranoia surrounding the end of the world.  It’s 2012 and I have promised myself that I will not spend the year obsessing over you.  I remember New Year’s Eve.  I remember you.  I remember drunken me looking at my phone at your Facebook profile and thinking, “God, I hate you so much.”  I remember directly looking at you outside on the balcony being the same flirt to someone else you were with me and thinking, “I really, really hate you.”  I remember when we counted down till midnight and you had the nerve to kiss me, much longer than you did anyone else.  And in my mind I kept thinking, “I wish you would just die.  I wish I never met you.  I wish you hated me and made it easier to say goodbye and walk away.”  And so I made an attempt to delete you out of my life.  I swore I would never talk to you again, because I am simply fed up with you.  I am fed up with this friendship where boundaries have been crossed and should have never been in the first place.  I hate that I seem to be the only one who puts any effort into our friendship, and you just use me, abuse me, and say you love me.  I have gone from liking you, to loving you, to wanting you physically and thinking I could handle just sex without emotions, to loving you again, and then being just downright confused by you. 

But…

The more I try to convince myself that I hate you, the more I want you.  I dream about you all the time.  I fantasize about you accidentally when I’m trying to get off on the mental image of someone else.  I think about love and your face constantly pops in and out.  I get a text on my phone and know instantly who I want it to be.  And I hate it.  I hate that I cannot simply move on.  I hate that I cannot be an adult and feel confident in my choice to walk away.  I guess I hesitate because I wish you could feel what I am feeling right now.  I wish you felt my hurt.  I wish you knew how insecure and angry you make me.  I wish you could experience the pain of loving someone who leads you on and has no intention of following through anything that is said.  That is why I cannot get over you. 

But you know what?  You don’t deserve me.  You don’t respect me.  You don’t acknowledge me nor make an attempt to be a part of my life.  You are constantly surprised when you learn something new about me that shouldn’t be new to you at all.  You don’t do anything at all.  As long as I keep reminding myself of that on a daily basis, maybe the hurt will slowly ebb away.  Maybe my sanity will return.  And maybe one day, when I have moved on (and I will) you can look back and feel like a complete asshole.  That is all.