it's just artie

Addiction to Failure, Heartbreak, & Struggle

You wouldn’t think it’s possible, to become addicted to your downfalls, to feel a never-ending dependency on the things that make you cringe and hate yourself. It’s irrational, you tell yourself. There is no logic or sanity behind this. It’s the stuff that makes you lose sleep at night, this always returning to your dark place, this needing to suffer and punish yourself. Whether it’s a need to keep going back to a person that will inevitably break your heart, this tendency to sabotage your diet and work-out plans when you’re shedding those pounds like crazy, or this telling yourself that you can cope all on your own without any assistance or consolation from your fellow human beings, it’s all the same - you are addicted to your struggle.

Why do we behave this way? Why do we not see that things could be better? That we deserve better than this? Or can we even see any alternatives? Perhaps we have grown too comfortable with our pain. Perhaps we need this ongoing struggle and frustration to motivate us in the end. After all, what are you going to do without the person that keeps leading you on and telling you how beautiful you are when there’s no one else to replace him or her? What’s next after you achieve your goal of shedding twenty pounds and have grown bored with working out? And how the hell is relying on anyone any good when so many people betray you and let you down, and the whole feeling of vulnerability and giving someone access to that private self you always kept to yourself is almost too much awkwardness to bear? How do we overcome this? How do we stop lying to ourselves?

Is it masochism? Is it pride? Ego? Fear? All of the above? Is there that tiny part of us that believes we do not deserve anything more than this struggle? Have we formed a twisted Stockholm syndrome with our struggle? Do these fears and anxieties rule us? No matter how much you may convince yourself of how strong you are, of how you can handle things on your own, and how much you do not need anyone else or to be in a state of weakness…I hate to break it to you - you are lying to yourself. And the more you convince yourself otherwise, the harder you’ll fall, and the more pieces you’ll have to pick once you realize that this is no way to live. Stop giving this person the power to break you. Stop telling yourself you are not beautiful. And stop trying to be Superman. Everybody falls. And everybody hurts.

Arthur C. McWilliams IV

Why We Think We Need to be in Love

I suppose it is only natural as you grow up to experience attractions for others and to have emotional developments you’ve never quite understood. Can you remember the first person you had a crush on? Crush, not love. Crush. As in “I like you like you like you like you like you like you”. Not that young adult angst that the lot of you are suffering through and religiously reblogging pictures about. I can remember my first crush. It was in the fourth grade. This person was in the fifth grade. We sat on the railing on the playground during recess. When I was a kid I had no problem telling people I liked them. As I got older it got harder for reasons I’m not comfortable talking about on here. But I suppose part of it is as you get older you lose your innocence. You become more insecure. Social norms and expected behaviors are hammered into your brain. You learn what is acceptable and what is not, and probably ninety percent of your desires are not acceptable, so you repress them. In sixth grade I had my first big crush on someone and told my best friend. He told the best friend of my crush and then everyone knew who I was crushing on. Wasn’t a big deal. At the time it was like, “Oh my god, everyone knows!” but you’re not really sure why you’re making such a big deal. When I was growing up twelve year olds didn’t have sex - we passed notes asking “Do you like me? Check Yes or No” and chewed gum and pretended we were cool because we had a neat sweater or new shoes. Anyone born in the late nineties and later can just stop reading this right now.

In later part of the sixth grade year I met someone who was going to be the first person I had ever fallen in love with. It lasted until the eleventh grade. I could be really honest and say this person still has somewhat of a hold on me, but that’s just love between friends. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of other people came and went during this time period, but this person held a string on my heart that no other could break. It was one of those “I-would-do-anything-for-you” kind of infatuations. I’ve cried over this person. Dreamed about this person. Gave up on potential good friendships with other people just to have a lousy time with this person, hoping that maybe I’d be touched or get a smile. I can remember my fourteenth birthday (I think that was how old) when we all went to my old house and played truth or dare in the basement. While most people probably had their first kiss by now, I got kissed on the cheek by this person and I can still feel the impact of those lips on my right cheek. We had a friendship with someone else and the three of us were best friends. Looking back on those years I would have told my younger self that I wasted so much time with them, that I let them take advantage of me and didn’t love myself as much as I deserved. I know this now, but when you are at that age…well…all you really want is love and acceptance, even from the wrong people.

I’ve crushed on a few other people of course. When I was seventeen I had a major crush on this senior. It was different because it was an attraction I was not used to having. It was a part of myself I sort of always kept hidden. Anyways, I confessed my feelings and it ended awkwardly. Unfortunately, that was the last time I had ever told anyone how I felt about them. For the next five years I would suffer in silence while many came and went. I would admire from afar, constantly fantasizing about those loves I deemed myself unworthy of having. I know, I know, “Cut the emo act, Artie, come on now!” Anyways, I also met someone else during high school, someone I feel madly in love with and that love lasted until this recent summer. This person was perfect for me, I thought. We were compatible in ways that were just dynamic. Thing is, we rarely saw each other. For five miserable years I kept this person in my fantasy. I believed that we were going to be together. You know what it was? I was just using this person as an excuse to not open myself up to anyone else. I mean come on, someone moves all the way across the country and you lose touch with each other how the hell are you going to keep them an option when they don’t even have your phone number? Anyways, this person came back this summer and of course I fell all over again. And you know what stinks right? That moment that perfect person you’ve kept in your head for so long is not what you expected at all. They come back and immediately your heart is doing cartwheels. But wait, this person’s a mess. Their life has fallen apart and you’re seeing sides of them that just make you go, “Wow…what the fuck is wrong with me? This is what I’m attracted to?” After this person went home I worked up the courage to send a text all “I’ve had a crush on you for five years”. As usual I got the whole “I’m flattered but no”. Did it bother me? Surprisingly not. You’d be amazed how relieved you’d feel just being able to say it. Sometimes it’s not even about gaining a companion, sometimes it’s about saying what you feel.

Anyways, I went from that waste of my life to falling for a friend who I thought was my best friend. We’d known each other for over five years. It was one of those we’ve-known-each-other-for-a-long-time-but-I-never-really-realized-that-I-had-feelings-for-you-until-now cases. You know. Total sweetness, right? Hell no. This was probably the most devastating experiences I have ever had dealing with affairs of the heart. Why? Because instead of being shot down or told the feelings are not mutual, this person allowed the emotions to get mixed up. Boundaries were crossed, boundaries I had never crossed before in my life. I had gone from this romantic to suddenly desiring more than I allowed myself to want: sex, nakedness, and love. Long story short - it was a friendship that ended because we were both stupid and inconsiderate of each other and our own feelings.

So here I am. And I’ve got a crush on someone…AGAIN. Despite my New Year’s Resolution to cut off my feelings completely, I went and fall for someone I had feelings for in the past. Why? Why do I do this? I think it is because I cannot imagine my life without at least one romantic image, at least one fantasy that tides me over through all the work and stress and struggles with my peers. If I didn’t have someone I was attracted to I would explode. I wonder if everyone feels this way. I wonder if this is even love.

That is all (mainly because I need to go to bed now).

Written by Arthur C. McWilliams IV

Getting Over Someone Is Easier Than You Think

We are all unfortunate to meet someone who we come to believe is destined to be a major part of our lives. We fall hard for him/her. We talk to him/her every chance we get, trying to build a deeper friendship. We wake up thinking about him/her, and go to bed fantasizing about having hot, lusty, passionate sex with him/her. We convince ourselves in our hearts that we would do anything for this person, and maybe we really would. Maybe it is possible that you are the type of person who can love unconditionally, who can sacrifice everything for the sake of love, no matter how crazy it may seem to those who have lost hope in love or cannot fathom the hopeless romantic you are. And the thing is, it’s not that you’re just some idiot crushing on someone who does not know who you are; you’re an adult who knows what you want out of life. You know what you want out of a relationship because this person you have fallen for has totally redefined your standards and preconceived notions about love. You never thought you could fall for him/her, but it happened, and despite everything you once believed, somehow it works. Somehow the heart made a connection you were not consciously aware of until you were already trapped and under a spell so deep, it brought a strange mixture of sheer frustration and infinite pleasure. It felt like…like you can really fly, you know? Like an endless well of….

Okay, lets cut the crap. This person is a user. An abuser. A no-good flake. S/he doesn’t appreciate you for who you really are. S/he leads you on, allowing you to believe you’re the special someone who gets to see into his/her heart. Not to mention the fact that when you look at it objectively, s/he is just a really shitty friend. Boundaries are crossed, and feelings get hurt. No, not hurt, damaged. Damaged to the point where it seems like you have to carry around duct tape and a screwdriver just to keep your heart from falling apart and bleeding all over the ground. Damaged to the point where you literally want to kill whoever s/he is flirting with, because how can someone let you in like that only to hurt you even more? How can someone say they love you and that they care deeply about you and want to be a part of your life, when they hurt you, ignore you, lie to you, and make no effort to be a part of your life?

Is there a light bulb flashing above your head yet?

Two words, darling: FUCK YOU. Once you realize the above, you can gradually begin to allow yourself to move on. You can delete this person off of your Facebook. You can delete his/her digits. You can avoid social gathering where it is likely the two of you would get drunk and cross more boundaries. You can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You know what? I deserve better, and I know this because I have all this love to give. I have the ability to love. I have seen it. I have felt it. The problem is not me, it’s you. You are sad and pathetic. You are so lonely. You are so…tired.”

And then something amazing happens. You start a new semester at school. You get a new haircut. You eat at a restaurant you have never been to. You chat with new people. You get excited about things that are taking you somewhere in life. And when the person you once loved flashes through your mind, you don’t feel that twinge of pain you’ve grown accustomed to feeling. You feel nothing, because the image is in black and white, and nothing but a distant past.