Have you ever had someone come up to you at random and ask why you look so angry? To which you respond by raising your eyebrow and reply, “I did not realize that I looked so upset?” Or have you ever heard someone ask you why you never smile anymore or out of the blue ask what is wrong, to which you think to yourself, “Why the fuck is this person watching me so goddamn much and concerned about what expression I have on my face?” Babies,
c(-__-)o
^ That is my normal face. I don’t have a cheesy grin when I am walking down the street. I don’t bite my lip or smile like I’m having fantasies about Ryan Gosling when I am standing behind the express lane counter at my job and there’s no customer nearby. And I absolutely hate having to pull out my phone or pretend something’s wrong with my MP3 player anytime I pass a person in public just to avoid awkward eye contact. And yet…EVERYONE seems to be obsessed with the art of staring at other people. I never understood looking at someone unless they were talking or was someone you found really attractive. Even then I do it discreetly, I don’t make it blatantly obvious by having my eyes pop out of my head with my jaw on the floor and probing every surface of that person’s skin. Staring at someone is rude, and bugging them about how they look is downright annoying.
The reason why I feel the need to blog about this is because so many people misinterpret my body language or the tone in my voice. If I say, “Please don’t touch me,” it does not mean never talk to me again and go kill yourself. It means simply what I said - please do not put your hands all over me like I am your property. If I say “What?” in response to not having heard you it does not mean that I am angry and have this passionate hatred for you - it means I simply did not fucking hear you and want you to repeat yourself. If I cross my arms it does not mean I am being defensive. If I lean back in my chair it does not mean I am exhausted and spent all night partying. If I sit upright, use a goddamn napkin to wipe my mouth while eating, or straighten up my surroundings it does not mean I am some neurotic kid who came from a sparkly clean household where proper etiquette is heavily enforced. Stop analyzing every aspect of my behavior.
I feel like everywhere I go I have to compose myself in a manner that satisfies other people. I occasionally scratch my arm or hair on cue so everyone can confirm that I indeed am a real human being. I check my Facebook on my phone and try to look bored and despondent in class so my peers can feel at ease, because I am definitely one of them. I bite my lip while walking down the aisle at the grocery store to show others, hey, I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m a complex human being just like you! I cross my legs when I sit to challenge the heteronormative behavior that most men are expected to follow - hunched over, feet apart, head down - and because I did that, I must be sophisticated and one of those sensitive, intelligent guys.
At the end of the day, it’s like you come home and find yourself feeling like you’re not even a real person. You’re a master of gestures performed at proper cues. You’ve learned to articulate the socially acceptable vernacular that gains you a seat at the table of regularly, functioning human beings. You’re one of them. Ha. Really? Me? One of them?
Fuck the lot of you. I’m going back to this:
c(-__-)o
That is all.
Written by Arthur C. McWilliams IV
